


the ash that remains

by danketsu



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fluff, Kaoru-centric, M/M, Tipsy Ex-Lawyers, that should be a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26637400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danketsu/pseuds/danketsu
Summary: Teru's always warm, and it works for them.
Relationships: Sakuraba Kaoru/Tendou Teru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	the ash that remains

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday sakuraba-san!! <3  
> i wanted to write some super sweet terukaos to celebrate his special day :'D it was surprisingly really fun to write from kaorus perspective so i definitely want to revisit these two lovebirds again in the future if i can~

Teru's body runs hot, Kaoru has been well aware of this since before the prospect of dating this idiot had even entered his mind.

Sharing a bed with him has always been hell, but that's old news. Kaoru's long since resigned himself to a sentence of having the blankets stolen and toes pressed between his shins. The more pressing of Teru's habits that make Kaoru sweat (literally) is the cuddling.

At night, in the moments right before they fall asleep, it's… fine. It's fine, and that's all it is. Just like with the stolen covers and wiggly toes, he's resigned himself to a nightly routine that consists of falling into bed after brushing his teeth, getting relaxed and comfortable with his personal space  _ respected _ , before the mattress dents behind him and two arms wrap around his waist to pull him backwards into a spooning position. He doesn't fight it anymore, he just lets Teru slot them together like puzzle pieces and nuzzle his warm face that smells like aftershave into the back of his neck and then Kaoru will pretend like it doesn't make him shiver and it's  _ fine _ . 

Until about fifteen minutes in, or an hour if it's a particularly restless night for Kaoru, and Teru's chest against his back and hands twined with his own move from 'pleasantly warm' to 'the fiery depths of hell, Tendou wake up and get off  _ now _ ' in short order. And even if Kaoru does manage to wake him, he just looks so pliable and confused that even Kaoru can't conjure up enough anger to do more than wiggle a little so his shirt unsticks itself from his shoulderblades and kick the blanket off his feet to let at least a  _ little _ air in. 

It's unfortunate, but Kaoru's dealt with more annoying things than that from Teru. What makes it  _ unbearably _ unfortunate is that the problem exists outside of their bedtime routine as well. 

Teru bumping his shoulder when he compliments the results of his last photoshoot. Teru making sure they sit across from each other at lunch so he can poke at Kaoru's calf playfully under the table and smirk when Kaoru has to grit his teeth to not visibly react. Teru's arm stretched across the back of the couch behind Kaoru. Warm, even through his shirt, hands molding to his hips while he makes coffee. Teru's hands tugging at his tie to pull him close enough to kiss. 

It's all blistering; makes something swelter and bubble underneath Kaoru's surface that he's  _ immensely _ unused to dealing with. The prickling warmth that Teru leaves on his surface does nothing but stoke the licking flames inside of Kaoru's chest that become increasingly uncontrollable the more he gets used to them being there.

There's countless points of contact between them at all times, and if they're not physically touching already at any given point in time, then Teru will go out of his way to make sure they are. Kaoru's not sure if he can handle being on this stress-inducing high alert anymore. His awareness of every time their skin makes contact is… embarrassing. Even if that's something he'd never admit to  _ anyone _ , not even Tsubasa when he gives him a curious look during interviews because Kaoru and Teru's thighs are pressed together and Kaoru's gone a little too stiff to be natural.

It's gotten to the point where Kaoru can't just use old med school tactics to distract himself from his heart pounding under his too-tight tie anymore, like recite the tendons in the human foot to himself or rate everybody in the room's posture due to the spine alignment chart he memorized that's been taking up precious brain cells for years.

All his focus is on Teru, and it's as intriguing a notion as it is perplexing. 

Because, even if he wasn't scorched by every touch, every glance, smothered in the warmth of the affection that Teru lavishes upon him, Teru, in the most figurative of senses, was  _ hot _ . 

Teru's… hotness is another miserable thing that Kaoru has always been extremely (unfortunately) aware of. Attractive, charming, good-looking, handsome…  _ hot _ .

This is something he would never say out loud, about  _ anyone _ , let alone Teru, but it's just a fact of life. He's come to accept it. He's not even sure how that word in…  _ that  _ usage got into his vocabulary in the first place. He'll decidedly blame it on spending too much time around the teenagers at the office lately, the same way he blames them for his recent post-work headaches on the days he feels chivalrous enough to ease the blame on Teru alone for them.

Though they usually  _ are _ Teru's, and Teru's alone, fault.

But, that's besides the point. 

The more pressing matter at hand is Teru's absolutely infuriating disposition.

_ Heat  _ is a huge part of who he is, which is perhaps the reason Kaoru finds it so troublesome, but it sticks in his mind like a filter unable to process something just a tad too big. The same warmth that has Teru comforting a fan who's crying at their meet and greet is the same fire that gets him to raise his voice and grab at Kaoru when they fight, and both of those are the same as the snug feeling of heady delusion that bleeds through Kaoru's shirt when Teru puts his hand on the small of his back once they've made sure there's no cameras around anymore. It's all from the same source, from the same man. 

What's  _ most  _ annoying is that the same way Teru's warmth connects directly to his intensity, or passion, or kindness, or whatever else he may or may not have, Kaoru's in the same situation, just on the complete side of the spectrum. 

He's always run cold and it has, without a doubt, bled into his personality in the same way that Teru's warmth has. He won't even contest it. Kaoru is very well aware he can be a 'hardass' (which, again, a great contribution from his ex-lawyer unitmate), but he has no intention of thawing out his icy words. At the end of the day, the catharsis of contention is what draws them closer together; it creates a sort of sustainable balance that Kaoru can be positive wouldn't work with anybody else.

The frigidity towards other people that's been a part of him for as long as he can remember translates directly into his fingers feeling numb and frozen despite his heater being on and his closest having an alarming amount of sweaters and long sleeved shirts.

It's convenient, or at least as convenient as he'll let himself believe it is. Kaoru's always cold, Teru's always warm, and it works for them. In the early days of their relationship, there was always a convenient excuse of "the heater's broken so let's get closer" or "your fingers are cold, let me hold them". But over time, the excuses have become to bastardized, so flimsy and diluted, that it's just an accepted truth that Teru's sweaters are always warmer than his own during the winter when Kaoru's so cold he doesn't even register his own shivers anymore, and Kaoru's skin seems to be the only solace that Teru's warm, sticky fingers can find during the summer.

'You're colder than ice cream,' he'll say, licking down Kaoru's skin on sticky August nights, 'you taste better, too'. 

It works. And not much  _ does _ work for them, being complete opposites as they are. They _ argue _ . They don't fit together perfectly like other couples; they fight, yell, bite, retreat to lick their wounds, then come back to do it all over again. They're not perfect and it's probably Kaoru's fault most of the time, but Teru's magnetism to the people around him is nothing new and Kaoru is as susceptible as anybody else, unfortunately. And, well. 

Being a space heater isn't the most annoying thing Teru does, at the very least. 

When it doesn't work between them, though, it  _ really _ doesn't work.

In the colder months when Teru will crack some stupid joke or pun and the best response is leaning over and pressing a touch to the side of his neck or on the sliver of skin showing near the hem of his shirt and watch him hiss about him  _ Sakuraba, you're freezing, what the hell. _ And in the warmer months, when he'll be minding his business and Teru knows just how miserable Kaoru finds it to be cuddly while the sun is up, but will cling to him anyways just to mess with him and get Kaoru annoyed enough that he tips of his ears turn red and it feels like the furrow between his brows might _ actually  _ become permanent like Producer warns it will.

But those are the relatively good nights, despite the teasing. There's other times, where it _ really _ doesn't work. When their cold and hot winds warp around each other into a unrelenting storm; where Teru's temper boils over and Kaoru's icy words stab like knives and they can't stand to spend a second longer in the same room. Those nights are rare, and have been growing even more so the longer they continue… whatever this relationship is, but it's not like they're out of the question.

With the door slammed shut and his own words echoing in his head louder, those are the nights the cold bothers him the most.

But, it's not always like that, even if they  _ are _ no strangers to animosity. Especially lately. The horrible pun that would've earned an eyeroll months before was much more tolerable when he knew it was coming. He finds himself buying double portions and foods he doesn't even  _ like _ because he's not the only mouth to think about feeding anymore. He's stopped jumping every time a key turns in the lock of his front door because he's not used to someone having access to his apartment.

He's stopped fighting affection when it's given to him, and it's a bizarre feeling. 

He knows exactly how Teru likes his coffee depending on the weather outside when they wake up. Which, again. Precious brain cells. 

Kaoru feels as if he's been domesticated. 

The first time he caught himself leaning in for the first kiss of the day without prompt, or when he started making dinner for two instead of one subconsciously, was the same time the realization that he's in deep and not coming up for air anytime soon truly hit him. He's let himself get wound up and tied down by the world's most annoying… unit mate? Boyfriend- no, that's not technically right either. ...Friend? Strange how _ that _ one is the weirdest to admit to himself. 

Well. Nonetheless, labels aren't important to Kaoru no matter how much he feels he feels like a pet or housewife. It makes things too tangible, too fast. This sort of thing can get really serious, really fast, and Kaoru  _ has _ to leave himself a safety net of space lest he rely on anyone else to catch him. 

He's tentatively happy with their current arrangement. It doesn't need to change, he's perfectly content sitting on his couch after work and pretending it's not uncomfortably quiet in his apartment and like he's not waiting for the telltale knocks on the door, even though Teru  _ has _ a key, really, he's so incorrigible, making Kaoru go out of his way to let him in, and- ah. There it is.

This time the knocks come in the form of the opening notes of their song, Moon Night, fast and quick and enough to make him almost spill his tea mid-sip. They don't stop until Kaoru opens the door- but not before forcing the blooming grin forming on his face off. 

He opens the door and eyes his, his  _ whatever  _ suspiciously, forgoing a greeting with, "Could you be more annoying?"

Teru grins cheekily, "I could try."

They end up on Kaoru's bed, drinking wine Teru’s brought over. It was probably chilled when Teru got it out of his fridge but by now it's warm and pretty disgusting. He generally dislikes white wine in the first place, but it’s especially bad lukewarm and seemingly “dessert flavored” like Teru’s brought as an offering. That taste is only amplified by the fact that they're drinking it out of the bottle like animals. But it makes Kaoru feel loose; a synthetic heat that gives him a buzz inside his chest not unlike the warmth radiating from Teru's side of the bed. Hell, it makes him feel loose enough that he doesn't even mentally scold himself for referring to  _ any  _ side of his bed as ' _ Teru's _ '.

His introspective mood from before has increased tenfold under the influence of liquor, and it takes a lot of convincing that Teru scooting closer and closer to him with every sip is nothing more than his imagination.

Kaoru's eyes are closed, because he doesn't need to see to know what's going to happen next. Teru's fingers are sticky from the spilt wine that he promised he'd clean off of Kaoru's sheets in the morning when they reach and take the almost-empty bottle from Kaoru's loose clutch. The steadying chill from the glass bottle is a stark contrast to the heat from the palm of Teru's hand.

Kaoru doesn't open his eyes even when there's a few still beats where nothing happens. He could fall asleep like this. He hears Teru take another gulp, probably emptying the bottle, and then the dull sound of it hitting the bedside table. It feels like everything happens in a clunky 1-2-1-2 rhythm; a song that only the two of them know.

The mattress shifts next to Kaoru when Teru moves back and he can  _ feel _ his eyes on him without looking. A few seconds pass and Kaoru's eyebrow twitches, "Well? Are you just going to stare?"

Teru laughs and the tension in his body relaxes and the quiet moment passes as fast as it came, "Impatient, are we? Sakuraba?"

"I‘m not. Are you?"

A palm on his thigh, not too high, right above his knee, is enough to make Kaoru's eyes open again. His eyes don't need much time to readjust to the dim light. Teru's face is flushed with proof of how they've spent the past hour and he laughs again, giggly and drunk and frustratingly sexy. He leans in, the wine on his breath infinitely more intoxicating than what was in the bottle, and probably more delicious as well. Their faces are much, much closer now and Teru's gaze moves heavily across Kaoru's face like he's trying to commit it to memory. Kaoru's breath is held until Teru's breath comes out in a whoosh and blows across his sensitive ear in a laugh, "You're, like, really pretty. Whoa."

Kaoru lets out his own breath unceremoniously. He offers his sentiments to any of their fans that think there's an ounce of tact in Teru Tendou's entire body.

Teru slides lower on the bed, probably getting dizzy from having to keep his heavy head up, and Kaoru very graciously lets his hand stay on his leg. He's looking at Kaoru with such a happy and open expression. Kaoru can read every thought passing through Teru’s mind even through his own fogginess. Not that there's much in there, but still.

This is another frustrating thing about Teru. The way he can just be so honest and trusting without even thinking about it, not holding anything back. Just letting out every embarrassing thought like Kaoru can never bring himself to do.

He distantly wishes there was still wine left.

"Don't look at me like thaaaat," Teru whines, sliding until he's fully horizontal next to Kaoru's legs. The hand that was on Kaoru's thigh shifts until he's fully hugging Kaoru's torso and pressing his face into the sensitive spot to the right of Kaoru's diaphragm, near his liver currently in overdrive from alcohol consumption. His drunken mind vaguely reminds him of the time he shadowed a 8-hour liver lobectomy during a 24-hour shift in med school.

...So much for sexy. 

"I'm not looking at you like anything," Kaoru retorts, letting his head fall back on the cushioned headboard so he's not looking at anything at all. He's still in his slacks, not even under the blankets, but it takes a conscious effort to keep himself awake.

Even Teru's being quiet now, which is rare but incredibly welcome. He could even-

"My back huuuurts… diagnose me, Doctor," it's mumbled into his shirt, muffled to the point of barely intelligible. His chin is digging into his Kaoru's ribs. It's getting uncomfortably warm with Teru hanging off of him like this. He immediately misses the quiet. 

"I'm not your doctor," the response comes easily even in his exhaustion; it's the same thing he'd say to anybody, even if he knows Teru's back pain comes from his soccer injury when he was younger and was probably agitated by practicing the spin and jump part of the Starlight Celebrate choreography too many times earlier. Kaoru doesn't share this prognosis. 

"Yeah, but you are  _ mine _ . Like, in general, yanno?"

Kaoru doesn't fight him on that, even if it's a disjointed thought he (hopefully) won't remember saying out loud in the morning.

Arguing that  _ 'I'm not your anything'  _ or the tried and true  _ 'you don't own me, Tendou'  _ was definitely a choice _ ,  _ definitely a road he's gone down before, but even he was soothed by the calm atmosphere and the feelings he may or may not have for the man currently falling asleep on his lap. Not to mention, he can't find it in himself to pick an argument right now. Maybe he's just getting sentimental as he grows older. A pity.

Teru can be as possessive as he wants, Kaoru decidedly doesn't care. He  _ doesn't _ . 

A few minutes later, Teru's telltale slow and sleepy exhales tell him that the idiot's actually fallen asleep. Even unconscious, he's clinging to Kaoru just as tightly. Every point of contact between them feels as if a stoked hearth is heating Kaoru's cold skin and it makes it even more difficult to keep his eyes open.

But something's different, something's been different since Teru pressed a kiss on Kaoru's cheek when he walked through the doorway like it was his own apartment. Teru's touch lingers on every part of him. It's palpable, the mark Teru leaves. On the shoes kicked off haphazardly by the front door, the jacket he left strewn over the back of the couch, the now empty wine bottle by the bed. The arms hugging Kaoru tight. The fervor of Teru's presence was tangible in every place it existed, and it always has been.

But, unlike the early days of their… involvement with each other, this heat is entirely opposite to the hot, fast fervor between them or the overwhelming, boiling brightness that Teru gives off even in the dark. It warms Kaoru gently from the inside instead of scorching him on a surface level; it's pleasant and prickly and comfortable in ways Kaoru never thought he would associate with the other man.

Instead of being suffocating, it's like a breath of fresh air. Instead of making it harder to breathe, Teru's presence makes it easier. 

He lets his fingers settle on top of Teru's head as his last conscious movement before succumbing to slumber. He doesn't know what this relationship is, doesn't even know what he wants it to be, but the switch from actively avoiding Teru's presence to actively seeking it out is one he wouldn't have expected from himself. It's almost disgusting, how easily he fell for someone as… unconstrained as Teru.

Teru shifts in his sleep, hugging tighter and mumbling something intelligible, and Kaoru already knows he'll wake up with drool on his thigh. He can't find it in himself to be annoyed.

He's almost asleep, drained from work and pretending to not wait for his not-boyfriend and alcohol and then, all at once,  _ Teru _ . It's exhausting, keeping nonchalance and ambiguity at his forefront all day. Even more exhausting to keep it up when he's beginning to learn he doesn't need to. 

What's most exhausting, though, is trying to make any sense of this situation at all. 

Kaoru hopes he'll be less retrospective in the morning. 

**Author's Note:**

> i want to thank my beta (!!) for being so kind and giving me the confidence i needed to even post this, terukao for being in love and so easy to write, and YOU for making it this far in my fic മ◡മ leave a comment and tell me any comments/questions/concerns/opinions/what you had for breakfast/anything!!


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